Are you exhibiting unhealthy jealousy and you’re wondering about how to overcome jealousy?
We’ve all experienced jealousy at one time or the other. Jealousy has a bad rap but it’s normal to want to guard the people we love, especially when we see a potential rival cosying up to our significant other. But there’s a difference between feeling jealous and exhibiting unhealthy jealous behaviours.
Excessive jealousy and possessiveness are one of the biggest relationship destroyers out there.
Normal jealousy is a pang that comes on in an instant, one which we can usually dismiss on our own.
Causes Of Jealousy
To change the fruits, it is important to deal with the roots first. To be able to overcome jealousy, you must understand the causes of jealousy in the first instance.
Suspicions of Infidelity
When suspicions of the partner’s fidelity arise, they quickly become all that is thought about. Certain behaviours, such as interrogation of the partner, repeated telephone calls to work and surprise visits, stalking behaviour, setting up recording devices in the home or work, or hiring a private detective to follow the partner, are all common in trying to determine if there is truly infidelity or if it is just perceived. Jealous individuals may take drastic measures, such as searching the partner’s clothing and belongings, looking through diaries and other communication methods (email, text messaging), or examining bed sheets, undergarments and even genitalia for evidence of sexual activity.
Violence can occur in any relationship tainted with jealousy, either normal or morbid jealousy. In a study of jealousy by Mullen & Martin, 15% of both men and women reported that at some time they had been “subjected to physical violence at the hands of a jealous partner.”
Culturally, jealousy maybe even used to “justify violence towards partners.” Victims in a homicide case are most likely to be current or ex-partners of both female and male perpetrators. When a partner repeatedly denies infidelity, this may provoke anger and extreme violence. On the other hand, the partner that is suffering may give up and give a false confession, which in turn most likely will provoke rage in the jealous individual.
Insecurity and Fear
Unhealthy jealous behaviour happens when we indulge that feeling and act impulsively from a place of suspicion and insecurity. When insecurity in our relationships runs rampant, jealousy can rapidly grow into paranoia and obsession and threaten to destroy the very relationship we’re most afraid to lose.
Jealousy doesn’t become a problem until it’s acted on. People that are prone to intense jealousy or possessiveness often harbour feelings of inadequacy or inferiority and tend to compare themselves to others. Jealousy, at its core, is a by-product of fear, fear of not being good enough, and fear of loss. When it hits, it can trick us into believing our relationship is in immediate danger, making it impossible to distinguish between natural feelings of protectiveness and irrational suspicion.
In other words, it’s pretty terrible.
Jealous behaviour can be extremely harmful to a relationship. At best the jealous partner is needy and constantly looking for reassurance that they are the only one and that no one is a threat to replace them. At its worst jealously can manifest in controlling and distrustful behaviour, and even physical or emotional abuse.
A jealous partner may try to control the actions of their partner, checking up on their whereabouts or monitoring their calls, texts or emails. This behaviour sets up a pattern of distrust that is unhealthy and will eventually cause a relationship to collapse.
A lot of jealousy is overwhelming and scary, especially because it can lead to dangerous behaviours like stalking, digital dating violence, and physical abuse.
You shouldn’t be doing things to spark jealous feelings in your partner, and they should trust you enough that they shouldn’t get upset if your phone dies and they don’t know where you are, or if you spend the day with someone they don’t know very well. But jealousy does happen, and unhealthy jealousy is a very real thing.
Overcome Jealousy: The Dos
1. DO Recognize You Have An Issue
The first step to overcoming something irrational is, as always, to acknowledge that you have an issue. Awareness will enable you to accept that your jealousy is most likely unjustified and therefore easier to conquer. It is how you deal with your jealousy that dictates how the relationship will continue. Recognizing your irrationality towards normal situations will stand you in good stead to control your emotions and help you overcome jealousy.
2. DO Trust Them
Many people who are happy in their relationship, still get jealous. But ultimately you have to ask yourself if you trust them – have they ever given you any reason to doubt their faithfulness in the past? Most likely they haven’t and it’s all in your mind. Remember the saying ‘innocent until proven guilty? Give them the benefit of the doubt and trust them – there are still plenty of good people out there who value monogamy.
As said earlier, jealousy arises from fear – fear vanishes when there is trust. Ultimately, trusting your partner will help you overcome jealousy.
3. DO Keep Yourself Busy
The best way of dealing with irrational doubts is to keep yourself busy so that you don’t indulge your mind and let it run wild with jealous thoughts. While it’s easy to allow your mind to come up with ridiculous scenarios that you imagine your partner to be in, you’ll have more control over your thoughts if you surround yourself with people. Throwing yourself into projects or keeping your mind occupied by spending time with friends will help you to overcome jealousy.
4. DO Improve Your Self-Esteem
When trying to overcome jealousy, it might be worth also taking a look at yourself and considering perhaps why you become green-eyed easily. Often it’s down to a lack of self-esteem. Most likely, you have no reason not to trust your partner and the jealousy is coming from you being treated badly in the past or feeling like you’re not worthy of them. Stop this! Your insecurities are not your partner’s fault and if you’re not careful you will scare them away. Have some faith in yourself – you’re great and your partner is lucky to be with you!
5. DO Communicate Properly With Your Partner
Jealousy often arises from miscommunication and misunderstandings. It’s best to clear this up instantly by ensuring your communication with your partner is solid. Don’t behave like a crazy, jealous person with too many questions, but clarifying certain things to give you peace of mind is no bad thing. This is better than letting your mind run wild with irrational thoughts that could easily be reined in. DO this within reason though; if it’s irrational and likely to offend your partner, don’t ask them.
Overcome Jealousy; The Don’ts
6. DON’T Compare Yourself To Others
Self-comparison is one of the worst enemies you can have in a relationship. One of the best ways to overcome jealousy is to stop comparing yourselves to others. It’s easy to become jealous of your partner’s friends or colleagues if you’re constantly finding fault in yourself and focusing on other people’s better qualities. But it’s this kind of thinking that will encourage jealous thoughts. No matter how much you try; there will always be people in the world with better looks or more intelligent than you, but you will have great qualities that others don’t! That’s probably what attracted your partner to you in the first place so, focus on those qualities.
7. DON’T Play Games
Don’t deceive yourself by playing games. You cannot overcome jealousy with game playing. Playing games in a relationship brings more ruin and I believe that is not what you want. Many jealous people in relationships think the answer is to play games. Perhaps you want to make your partner feel how you’re feeling? Whatever the reasoning, this is not the answer. Playing games will only make things worse and ruin the trust between you. Fight your instinct when you feel like you want to make them feel bad or anxious and treat them fairly.
8. DON’T Try To Make Them Jealous
It’s unwise to try to solve a problem by creating more problems. Likewise, creating more jealousy will not help you overcome jealousy. This is a very dangerous path to go down and will end up causing more problems in your relationship. Many people think that by putting their partner through the same jealousy they’re feeling, they’re taking back the power somehow. This doesn’t work. It will probably result in your partner having trust issues with you too and cause arguments and even more distance between you.
8. DON’T Try To Make Them Jealous
It’s unwise to try to solve a problem by creating more problems. Likewise, creating more jealousy will not help you overcome jealousy. This is a very dangerous path to go down and will end up causing more problems in your relationship. Many people think that by putting their partner through the same jealousy they’re feeling, they’re taking back the power somehow. This doesn’t work. It will probably result in your partner having trust issues with you too and cause arguments and even more distance between you.
9. DON’T Let Your Imagination Overpower Reality
This is perhaps the most fundamental point when trying to overcome jealousy. The problem with jealousy is, predominantly, that it’s all in your head. It’s often based on unfounded irrational thoughts and you need to let your rational mind overpower them. As Robert L. Leahy PhD suggests on PsychologyToday, ‘Recognize that jealous thought are not the same thing as a REALITY. You may think that your partner is interested in someone else, but that doesn’t mean that he is. Thinking and reality are different.‘ It is very important then to decipher between the two and keep your rational side intact. Control your mind and you’ll make your life a lot easier.
10. DON’T Get Swept Up In The Online World
With technology becoming all the more significant, it’s difficult not to obsessively check social media and various contact platforms you have with your partner. It is easy to misinterpret pictures or messages online and many people jump to absurd conclusions. One of the best ways to overcome jealousy is to remove yourself from the online world as much as possible.
Risk of Jealousy in children
Children that live in a household with a parent that suffers from morbid jealousy may suffer emotional and/or physical abuse as a direct result of the actions made by the parent. Children may also accidentally overhear arguments or witness physical violence between their parents. They could even be potentially accidentally injured during assaults. The morbidly jealous parent may employ a child or more than one to spy on the other parent. It is not out of the question for a child to witness a homicide or suicide where their parent is the victim.
Wrap It Up!
Real love is not possessive. It does not act out of dominance, fear, or control. Rather, it is a mutual admiration and respect for another human being we long to see happy and whole. In a healthy relationship, there is a balance between compromise, self-love, and consideration for the other person.
Most issues in a relationship can be fixed, but raging jealousy is a hard habit to break. Often it’s because a jealous person either refuses to change or refuses to admit they are in the wrong. The only way to stop being jealous is to gain the self-confidence to stop envying others or to let a situation go because it’s out of their control. Both can be incredible hurdles for a jealous person to jump.
While jealousy is a natural feeling everyone gets from time to time, when we obsess over it, it can change us and end relationships. It’s important to recognize when jealousy is motivating unhealthy behaviours and to protect our boundaries before they get crossed. Speaking up early will decrease the chance of escalation and will help lasting love blossom in healthy soil where trust runs deep, respect is present, and communication is abundant.
3 Comments