The power of negotiation in relationships had been overlooked for ages. Many relationship issues which could have been better handled through negotiation had resulted into separation or worst divorce.
Whether you realize it or not, negotiating is an everyday thing!
You are in constant negotiation with your spouse; from what to eat to the choice of resort for your next vacation.
You negotiate with your children who want their personal goals quickly realize. Your daughter wants more pocket money etc.
Although negotiations are an important part of our everyday life most people lack the competence to carry out basic negotiations in relationships.
Knowing and applying some basic negotiation skills can result in fewer conflicts in your family.
When Do You Have To Negotiate In Relationships?
Prerequisite for clarifying whether negotiation is necessary to resolve issues in a relationship: answer the question:
How can I achieve my goal better: without negotiation or with negotiation?
In the first case, you can order and assert your interests. By going with this option, you are enforcing your interest in your partner by way of minding the possible consequence.
In the second case, you can conduct the hearing properly to safeguard your interests. Going with this option means giving room for negotiation.
It gives both parties opportunities to stage their opinion and make a point. It is a way of giving everyone a fair hearing and reaching a mutual agreement.
Negotiation when done properly can work wonders when it comes to conflict resolution and effective communication in marriage. It isn’t fair that every decision in your relationship is ‘your way’ or ‘no way.
Using The Harvard Concept In Negotiation
The Harvard Concept works to define the true meaning of negotiation – “Give and Take”.
The Harvard concept or Harvard principle is a concept for factual negotiation first presented by Roger Fisher and William L. Ury in the early 1980s.
This concept aims to bring about a win-win situation as a result of negotiations; the focus is on the highest possible mutual benefits.
The Benefits Of Using The Harvard Concept of Negotiation In Relationship
How do you negotiate terms in a relationship?
Negotiation in relationship is a crucial tool which can be used to resolve most relationship issues. Below are some of the benefits of using the Harvard concept of negotiation in relationships:
1. Creating A Win-Win Situation – “No Losers”
Applying the Harvard Concept to settle arguments in your relationship results in a win-win situation in which you and your partner can secure central interests which is more successful in the long term than a short-term victory one party gets without negotiating.
2. Knowing The “Best Alternative” – What Is My “Plan B”?
The Harvard Concept forces you and your partner into creative brainstorming. You will create many alternatives and choose the best alternative.
The “best alternative”, that is to say, the clarity about what you will do if you cannot successfully conclude a negotiation, protects you from being taken for a ride.
How To Use The Harvard Concept To Resolve Conflicts In A Relationship
Though it is neither your aim nor mine that you become a professional negotiator having the basic skills of negotiation can result in fewer communication-related conflicts in your relationship.
Here are the four ways to use the Harvard Concept to resolve conflicts in your relationship:
A. Treating People And Problems Separately:
The long-term relationship with your partner must be at least not damaged as you both pursue your goals. This helps you to be clear on your point while still being respectful to your partner.
Both the object of negotiation and personal relationships are basic interests that you and your partner need to protect.
The prerequisite for this is that you are prepared to be clear about the situation and the climate between you two (different ideas, emotions, communication, clear language, listening) is right.
Therefore: Address problems – not your partner!
B. The Interests Count, Not The Positions.
It is helpful if you set your goals BEFORE the trial. Then ask:
- Which interests would I like to secure with the goals?
- What interests will the other person have?
The Harvard concept of negotiation focus on the evaluation of the common interests of the parties involved and not a fixation on the striking communicated initial position. Drawing up a list of interests helps to keep track.
In the negotiation, you can find out the interests of your spouse. Simple questions like “Why can’t we use the 4-Star hotel” lead your partner to unveil their underlying interests. The question “Why don’t we solve the problem that way…” also reveals your partner’s interests.
During the discussion, you can then create a collection of different interests, view them together and work through them.
It has been observed that successful negotiators do not barricade themselves into positions but work out the underlying interests to build a bridge together.
This gives you an idea about the fact that both you and your partner can achieve your goals with cooperation.
C. Develop Options That Offer Mutual Benefits
This is what I called – Enlarging the cake. The most efficient lever is to be able to offer your partner something that corresponds to their interests and which costs you less than it brings to your partner.
To this end, it is necessary to find options that serve one’s interests AND those of your partner.
- Separate finding options from evaluating options.
- Try to increase the number of options, and create choices.
- Look at the options for the advantages of both sides.
- You can involve the views and ideas of different people and experts.
D. Rate The Options According To Objective Criteria.
Facts, incidents, ideas, and options are often controversial in relationships.
You can solve the problem if you find common standards of judgment, e.g. – what limited the scope of you both in similar situations? Is it usual to calculate the wear of a washing machine? Which laws and processes are to be applied?
You can jointly find several criteria such as market value, expert opinions, costs, court rulings, moral criteria, but also legally legitimate criteria, and then agree on one of the criteria.
Objectifying criteria recognized by both sides are also often used, such as technical journals or generally accepted procedures for cost estimates.
Ultimately, if both parties agree, you can also get an arbitrator or expert. Here it is important to clarify: Who determines the expert, and who pays him? It is also important to consider the financial implications of such a decision on your finances together.
Structured Preparation Tips For Using The Harvard Concept of Negotiation In Relationships
It makes sense to plan the four key points of the Harvard concept of negotiation step by step, from one’s point of view and the point of view of your partner.
The content of the preparation is e.g.:
What are the facts?
What is the emotional situation of those involved?
What do I have to pay attention to when getting started?
What objectives have been set? (Separation of desire/goal/limit)
Know the best alternative; don’t let yourself be taken for a ride.
Structured Negotiation Process
The four core elements of the Harvard concept build on each other:
- Human and material things must be separated in such a way that the situation is clear and both begin to seek a solution together.
- When human problems are resolved, facts and perspectives can be exchanged.
- When the facts are clear and accepted, the goals and interests of you and your partner can be discussed.
- If interests are known, options can be found that serve the interests of both parties.
If the options are seen both as fair and feasible, the two negotiators can select the best, evaluate, complete and plan the next steps.
